Coping With Tragedy

Learn how to manage when faced with life’s toughest challenges

A witness for her sister

Heidi Markow copes with the tragic death of her sister by working to raise awareness of domestic violence. One way is through the Silent Witnesses program, in which students at Career Institute of Technology create wooden silhouettes carrying the stories of domestic violence victims.

Suffering from an incurable disease…seeing your home destroyed by a natural disaster…losing a loved one to violence. How does anyone cope with such tragedies?

“It’s certainly not easy,” says Pat Fuisz, R.N., clinical nurse specialist in psychiatry at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “When tragedies occur, you feel overwhelmed and helpless. You may ask ‘Why me?’ Your personal sense of safety is destroyed, and moving on seems impossible.”

Fortunately, Fuisz says, there are healthy ways to cope. “It’s important to explore what works for you and your loved ones, and recognize that it takes time.” She recommends that you:

Talk about what happened. It’s natural to want to shut it out, but avoidance isn’t healthy and can lead to depression. Research shows talking to a doctor or therapist or joining a support group helps you express your feelings, Fuisz says. Support groups also connect you to people with similar experiences, providing comfort and encouragement.

Take care of yourself. The stress and anxiety caused by a tragedy can have a tremendous impact on your body. Be sure you’re eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep.

Check in with your family and friends. It’s important to recognize they may be suffering, too. “Be sensitive to their needs and help them discover their own best way to cope,” Fuisz says.

Turn tragedy into advocacy. By raising awareness about an issue related to the tragedy, you can help yourself and others who face the same challenge. Share your story with community groups, join an advocacy campaign—there are many ways to get involved (see Offering a Helping Hand, left). “Getting to this point usually doesn’t happen quickly,” Fuisz says. “First, you may need some time to come to terms with the changes in your life.”

Want to Know More about support groups for a variety of situations or groups in the Lehigh Valley? Click above. Looking for information about the signs of domestic violence and where you can get help? See right.

“Raising awareness keeps me going.”

Heidi Markow’s biggest fear was losing someone close to her. In June 2005, it happened. Her sister, Robin Shaffer, was murdered by her husband after a history of domestic violence. “In a brief moment, my whole world fell apart,” says Markow, 39, of Easton. “I didn’t want to accept it. Things like this don’t happen to my family.”

Empowered by her sister’s memory, Markow quickly changed her focus. “I decided I wasn’t going to let this take any more days away from me and my family,” she says. She now shares Robin’s story with newspapers, television shows, magazines and high school groups. She started the Beginning Over Foundation to raise awareness about domestic violence and encourage victims to get help. She’s held fund-raisers for the cause, and is thinking about becoming a counselor.

Now, Markow is working on getting a bill passed by the state legislature that would require school districts to develop anti-bullying policies. Research shows there is a link between violence in children and domestic violence later in life, she says. She’d like Pennsylvania to follow 26 other states with such laws.

Markow is humble about her efforts. “I’m going to do whatever I can to prevent this from happening to someone else,” she says.

“I’m doing something for Justin.”

It’s been just over a year since Linda Sheftel’s 18-year-old son, Justin, was killed by a drunk driver. He had just graduated from Allentown’s Parkland High School and was celebrating with friends in Ocean City, Md. (The driver, who survived, was also a new grad.)

“My whole equilibrium was thrown off,” Sheftel says. “I felt empty and desperate. I wanted to do something…something that was all about Justin.” She and her husband, Elliot, established a scholarship fund in Justin’s name and donated money to the college he’d planned to attend.

But it wasn’t enough. Sheftel wanted to share Justin’s story with high school students, and knew she could make a bigger impact if the young driver was beside her. He agreed, and when he is released from jail early next year, they will speak together.

Justin’s friends, feeling the same desire to “do something,” have hosted two softball tournaments in his memory. Sheftel helped. “I feel best when I’m involved for Justin,” she says. She gains strength from the support of her family—including her daughter, Sasha, 17—her friends, and from an informal group of mothers who lost their children.

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